Polls Discovers That Few Moms Feel Prepared to Talk About Puberty
It may feel like just yesterday you were teaching your little girl the ABCs, and now she’s asking about getting her first bra and when she’ll start her period! Puberty is an awkward stage for kids so talking about it is an important job for parents, but as a recent KidsHealth© ParentsPoll and KidsPoll reveal, only 20% of moms feel prepared to talk about the subject.
KidsHealth, the most-visited website for children’s health and development information, is sharing this mother-daughter data as it launches The Pink Locker Society, a new novel and website for tween girls that provides sought-after puberty information within a fictional storyline and plot. The polls surveyed nearly 11,000 girls (age 7 and above) and 5,500 moms (of girls 8-12) to find out where girls are getting puberty information and what type of information they are looking for.
“Kids today are exposed to so much information about sex and relationships that by the time they approach puberty, they may already be familiar with some advanced ideas,” says D’Arcy Lyness, PhD, medical editor for KidsHealth.org and a child and adolescent psychologist. “However, as a parent, it’s your job to listen to your child’s concerns and keep the lines of communication open because not all information your child is receiving is from reliable sources.”
The ParentsPoll revealed that only 29% of moms say they talk regularly with their daughters about the topic of puberty, while the remaining 71% report they have spoken a few times or not at all with their daughters. When moms who have not spoken to their daughter about puberty were asked “Why not?”, 27% said I think she’s too young, 25% said She hasn’t asked me, 19% said I don’t know what to say, 15% said She’ll learn in school, and 13% said I feel too uncomfortable.
But moms aren't the only ones feeling awkward – only 26% of girls said they were comfortable talking to their moms about puberty. Carrie, 12 from Washington, says, “My mom doesn't really bring the subject up herself so I’m not sure when and what to ask her,” and Kelsie, 13, from Missouri, says, “It’s hard to talk to my mom because she says I’m too young.” So why is there a communication gap between moms and daughters when it comes to puberty?
One reason may be that 80% of moms say they feel only somewhat prepared or not prepared at all to discuss the topic of puberty with their daughters. Again, the KidsPoll offered insight by revealing what girls say moms can do to make it easier: Emily, 11, from Wisconsin says her mom could “Come to me to talk about puberty instead of me going to her,” and LizBeth 12, from North Carolina, says, “She could tell me about her experience and how she handled it when she started puberty.”
“At this age, girls want to know they’re normal and that their mom is on their side. The messages parents send about a girl’s developing body can impact her body image, and a healthy body image can help shield a girl from pressures she can be vulnerable to during the teen years,” adds Dr. Lyness.
To help moms feel more comfortable and prepared to talk about puberty, KidsHealth (with the help of almost 11,000 girls!) offers these suggestions for better mother-daughter communication:
- Start the talk early. By the time a girl is 8 years old, she should know about the bodily changes associated with puberty. That may seem young, but consider this: 40% of 8-year-olds say they first heard about puberty from a source other then their moms or school.
- Go slow. Puberty is a big topic that ranges from a girl’s first bra to her first thoughts on sexuality. Ongoing conversations about growing up, instead of one big “talk,” should happen little by little through the months and years.
- Bring it up. Lots of girls wished their moms would broach the subject. Let your daughter know that you're available any time to talk, but don't always wait for her to initiate the discussion. Girls appreciate when their moms give puberty the time they think it deserves.
- Share your own story. Sixty percent of girls say they want to know what puberty was like for their mothers. Daughters know their moms were once girls and if you’re willing to share your own experiences it will send the message that you’ve been there. As Ali, 9, from Pennsylvania, says, “My mom is a girl and she's gone through all of that stuff so she understands.”
- Just listen. It’s obvious advice, but can be hard to do. It’s tempting to want to jump in and make suggestions or give advice. One of the loudest messages from girls was that they didn’t want a discussion of their changing bodies to morph into a scary talk about not having sex.
- Meet privately and don’t tell anyone. A top concern among girls was feeling embarrassed because other people, particularly dads, were part of the conversation or found out the details later. Of course, you might want to share something with your spouse, but ensure that dad will NOT spill the beans.
- Come across just right and DON’T laugh. Some moms are giddy when they talk about puberty while others may get tearful and seem like they don’t want their daughters to grow up. But most girls said knowing their moms would not laugh was a key reason they felt at ease with her. As Jerilyn,12, from Georgia, puts it, “My mom doesn’t embarrass me or cover things up. She is real with me and she doesn’t sweet talk it.”
- Make it practical. Most girls are interested in practical matters, like how to find a bra that fits and what to do if they get their first period at school. Your daughter will appreciate concrete assistance like having some pads to stash in her backpack or locker, just in case.
- Offer reassurance. Girls often express insecurity about their appearance as they go through puberty. Some develop breasts or get their period early, while others may not start until they're a little older. Assure your daughter that there's a huge amount of variation in the timing of these milestones – everyone goes through them, but not always on the same schedule.
- Take cues from your daughter. There’s no one right way to talk about growing up. You may want to adjust your approach based on your daughter’s response and comfort level or consider supplemental means of communication, like books and educational websites. Also make sure she knows she can talk to her doctor.
For more information about puberty, check out the following KidsHealth resources for both girls and moms:
- The Pink Locker Society Website (For Girls)
- What Is the Pink Locker Society? (For Moms)
- Talking to Your Daughter About Puberty
For media inquiries or a copy of the complete results from the ParentsPoll or KidsPoll, contact:
Ryan Biliski
biliski@KidsHealth.org
(302) 651-4046