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Becoming a Stepparent
Becoming a stepparent by blending families or marrying someone with kids can be rewarding and fulfilling. If you've never had kids, you'll get the chance to share your life with a younger person and help to shape his or her character. If you have kids, they can build relationships and establish a special bond that only siblings can have.
In some cases, new family members get along without a problem. But sometimes there are bumps in this new road.
Figuring out your role as a parent — aside from the day-to-day responsibilities that come with it — also may lead to confusion or even conflict between you and your partner, your partner's ex, and their kids.
While there's no easy formula for creating the "perfect" family, it's important to approach this situation with patience and understanding for the feelings of all involved. Here's how to make things easier as you adapt to your new role.
The initial role of a stepparent is that of another caring adult in a child's life, similar to a loving family member or mentor. You may desire a closer bond right away, and might wonder what you're doing wrong if your new stepchild doesn't warm up to you or your kids as quickly as you'd like. But relationships need time to grow.
Start out slow and try not to rush into things. Let things develop naturally — kids can tell when adults are being fake or insincere. Over time, you can develop a deeper, more meaningful relationship with your stepchildren, which doesn't necessarily have to resemble the one they share with their birth parents.
Things That Affect Your Relationship
Children who are mourning the loss of a deceased parent or the separation or divorce of their birth parents may need time to heal before they can fully accept you as a new parent.
For those whose birth parents are still alive, remarriage may mean the end of hope that their parents will reunite. Even if it has been several years since the separation, kids (even grown ones!) often cling to that hope for a long time. From the kids' perspective, this reality can make them feel angry, hurt, and confused.
Other things that may affect the transition into stepparenting:
- How old the kids are. When it comes to adjusting and forming new relationships, younger kids generally have an easier time than older kids. But there can be a "sleeper effect" with young children. Some take big changes in stride at first, but disruptive behaviors or challenging emotions come up years later. Talk openly with kids, even if they seem OK with the big changes, to help prevent trouble later.
- How long you've known them. Usually, the longer you know the kids, the better the relationship. There are exceptions (for example, if you were friends with the parents before they separated and are blamed for the break-up). But in most cases, having a history together makes the transition a little smoother.
- How long you dated the parent before marriage. Again, there are exceptions but typically if you don't rush into the relationship with the adult, kids have a good sense that you are in this for the long haul.
- How well the parent you marry gets along with the ex-spouse. This is critical. Minimal conflict and open communication between ex-partners can make a big difference regarding how easily kids accept you as their stepparent. It's much easier for kids to adjust to new living arrangements when adults keep negative comments out of earshot.
- How much time the kids spend with you. Trying to bond with kids every other weekend — when they want quality time with a birth parent they don't see as often as they'd like — can be a hard way to make friends with your stepkids. Remember to put their needs first: If kids want time with their birth parent, they should get it. So sometimes making yourself scarce can help smooth the path to a better relationship in the long run.
Knowing ahead of time what situations could be a problem can help you prepare. Then, if complications arise, you can handle them with an extra dose of patience and grace.
Steps to Great Stepparenting
All parents face difficulties now and then. But when you're a stepparent, they can be harder because you're not the birth parent. This can open up power struggles within the family, whether it's from the kids, your partner's ex, or even your partner.
When times get tough, putting kids' needs first can help you make good decisions. Here's how:
- Put needs, not wants, first. Kids need love, affection, and consistent rules above all else. Giving them toys or treats, especially if they're not earned with good grades or behavior, can lead to a situation where you feel like you're trading gifts for love. Similarly, if you feel guilty for treating your biological kids differently from your stepchildren, don't buy gifts to make up for it. Do you best to figure out how to treat them more equally.
- House rules matter. Keep your house rules as consistent as possible for all kids, whether they're your kids from a previous relationship, your partner's kids from a previous relationship, or new children you have had together. Children and teens will have different rules, but they should be consistently applied at all times. This helps kids adjust to changes, like moving to a new house or welcoming a new baby, and helps them feel that all kids in your home are treated equally. If kids are dealing with two very different sets of rules in each home, it may be time for an adults-only family meeting — otherwise kids can learn to "work the system" for short-term gain but long-term problems.
It also helps to "spread" rewards and punishments across both households. When kids do a good deed and earn praise or a privilege in one household, they should receive similar praise or rewards when they go back to the other household. The same goes for punishment, such as loss of electronics time for breaking a house rule. This can help kids feel like both families are on the same page, and it keeps one parent or household from being the "good guy" or the "bad guy."
- Create new family traditions. Find special activities to do with your stepkids, but be sure to get their feedback. New family traditions could include board game nights, bike riding together, cooking, doing crafts, or even playing quick word games in the car. The key is to have fun together, not to try to win their love — kids are smart and will quickly figure out if you're trying to force a relationship.
- Respect all parents. When a partner's ex is deceased, it's important to be sensitive to and honor that person. If you and your partner share custody with the birth parent, try to be courteous and compassionate in your interactions with each other (no matter how hard that can be!). Never say negative things about the birth parent in front of the kids. Doing so often backfires and kids get angry with the parent making the remarks. No child likes to hear their parents criticized, even if he or she is complaining about them to you.
- Don't use kids as messengers or go-betweens. Try not to question kids about what's happening in the other household — they'll resent it when they feel that they're being asked to "spy" on another parent. Wherever possible, communicate directly with the other parent about things like scheduling, visitation, health issues, or school problems. Online custody calendars make this process a little easier because parents can note visitation days and share this information with each other via the Internet.
- Talk to your partner or spouse. Communication between you and your partner is important so that you can make parenting decisions together. This is especially crucial if you each have different notions on parenting and discipline. If you're new to parenting as a stepparent, ask your partner what would be the best way to get to know the kids. Use resources to find out what kids of different ages are interested in — and don't forget to ask them.
No matter how your new family came to be, chances are there'll be some challenges along the way. But even if things start off a little rocky, they still can (and probably will) improve as you and your new family members get to know each other better.
Reviewed by: Maia Noeder, PhD
Date reviewed: July 12, 2018